Well firstly I should explain why it’s been nearly two months since my last blog… 

I haven’t disappeared entirely, and I still think about blogging quite a lot; but sadly I have had the great misfortune to change my internet service provider (ISP) and for some reason the new network says an emphatic “no” to WordPress admin. 

Therefore, my first back-online blog is going to be (yes, you guessed it) a rant about rubbish service in the technology sector. 

I’m currently connected through AOL at my Dad’s house. Gus and I moved into a very small flat at the end of March when we finally rid ourselves of “house of the thousand collapsed ceilings” and settled in for the long wait for the keys to our new place, which we expect to move into at the end of June. 

At the time we moved, Gus thought it would be a good idea to switch our ISP to 3 so we could get their mobile broadband package, enabling us (or so we naively thought…) to sit outside in the sunshine and enjoy speedy internet access wherever might take our fancy. 

Oh dear; as my happily AOL-powered Dad might write in a satisfactorily and timeously delivered email “Ye’re no often right, but ye’re wrang again!” 

Take this from someone who’s spent the last 7 weeks in a microflat, with nothing to do but look silly stuff up on the internet (business activities have been somewhat suspended lately – but more about that in a future post) – 3 Mobile Broadband is PANTS. 

In fact it may not even be effective enough to be called PANTS, because at least PANTS have a function beyond causing their owners to spend inordinate and unreasonable amounts of time on the phone to call centres where staff have clearly been specifically trained to empathise with angry callers, because that’s the only type of call they ever receive. 

I lose connection to the internet at least 2-3 times every day. This can sometimes be addressed by rebooting the router 12-15 times, but more often it results in an expensive and frustrating call to 3 technical support, only to be told that there’s no indication of any reason for the fault, and therefore no way to have it fixed. 

However, at the same time as being incandescent with rage during said phone calls, I can’t help but be reluctantly impressed with the fabulous textbook examples of active listening and “mirrored empathy” I receive from the call centre telephonists:

Caller: I’ve lost internet connection again. That’s the third time today. I’ve tried rebooting my router and restarting my laptop, but it’s not helping. I’m really getting fed up with this now. 

Telephonist: Thank you for your comments. I understand your frustration Mrs Gunn. Your internet connection isn’t working for the third time today, you’ve tried rebooting and it is still not working. I can appreciate that you’re not happy. 

Caller: (Patiently) Well, is there anything you can do? I work from home, so I need a reliable internet connection, which this clearly isn’t. 

Telephonist: I understand your frustration Mrs Gunn. Your internet connection isn’t reliable for you at the moment, and you need this because you work from home. 

Caller: (Extra patiently) I can see that you understand the problem. Can you tell me if there’s anything you can do to have it fixed? 

Telephonist: So, your internet connection has gone down, is that correct? 

Caller: (Extra, extra patiently, with a hint of tiredness) Yes, that is correct. 

Telephonist: Did you know that the majority of connection problems with 3 Mobile Broadband can be addressed by restarting the router and switching your laptop off then back on?   

Caller emits an inarticulate sound as if suddenly strangled. 

Telephonist: I’m sorry Mrs Gunn, I did not understand you. Did you know that the majority of connection problems with…. 

Telephonist hears the sound of a window being opened. The line is filled with the rushing of air and the rapidly diminishing sound of screamed obscenities.  

A thud and some brief sounds of splintering plastic. Then silence. 

So despite their evidently comprehensive training in how to sympathetically and considerately assist upset, internet-less clients, 3 Mobile Broadband’s technical support are in fact about as much use as an inflatable dartboard. I’m still no further forward with my connectivity issues, and beyond a paltry £5 credit to our account (which I have no doubt has been swallowed up by mobile phone bills for calls routed via the Middle East) I’ve had nothing except a sympathetic verbal repetition of my problems. 

Of course, when raising the question of whether I should in all fairness be held to a contract for a service that doesn’t serve, I received the inevitable notification of enormous disconnection fees should I terminate early. I did ask to speak to a manager, but was told I’d receive a callback within 24 hours, which of course I’m still waiting for two and a half weeks later. 

Not being one to shrink at a challenge though, I will shortly be embarking on a campaign of irate and over-articulate letters to 3 customer care. If I can’t have a reliable internet connection, then I can at least have the satisfaction of wasting their time as well as mine until they agree to cancel the contract without penalty. 

So a stern warning for anybody looking for a new ISP; do not under any circumstances consider using 3 Mobile Broadband, unless you plan to sign up and then immediately cancel the contract under the 14 day cooling-off period, just to make an administratively inconvenient point about the unfairness of consumers having to pay for rubbish service and repeated viewings of “Internet Explorer cannot display the web page” error screens. 

Technology? Pah!