23^rd November 2009

The Proprietor

Cramond Tea Rooms

Cramond Esplanade

Edinburgh

Dear Sir,

CONGRATULATIONS!

We are writing to let you know that you have been awarded the annual Edinburgh & Lothians Miserable Bastard of the Year Award^TM 2009. 

You will, we are sure, be thrilled to know that you were nominated by one Mrs Elaine Gunn, who on the afternoon of Monday 23^rd November 2009 asked if you would be willing to waive your usual 30p charge for use of the toilet facilities at Cramond Tea Rooms, when she found herself caught short and without any available funds to hand. 

As Mrs Gunn advised you, and as may have been apparent by her somewhat corpulent appearance, she was 9.5 months pregnant at the time, and in some not inconsiderable discomfort – attributable to the fact that she had approximately 10-15 pounds worth of unborn human being, amniotic fluid and other pregnancy-related items pressing down insistently on her bladder and bowel. 

To refuse an exception to your usual “pay-per-use” policy in such a situation shows, we feel, a really superb commitment to being a thoroughly Miserable Bastard, and this considerable achievement should be recognised accordingly. 

To that end, please find enclosed the sum of a fabulous £3 in prize winnings. The board of Edinburgh & Lothians Miserable Bastards^TM respectfully suggest that you might consider using these winnings to cover the toilet fees of the next 10 pregnant women (or other similarly deserving parties) who would like to use your facilities in the future, but find themselves for one reason or another without the means to pay your entrance fee. 

Of course, we can only make suggestions – the winnings are yours to expend as you would like. Being the Miserable Bastard that you are, we are sure you will have no problem coming up with a far less honourable and socially-conscious use for the money if necessary. 

Once again, please accept our most sincere congratulations on your very well deserved victory in the Edinburgh & Lothians Miserable Bastard of the Year Awards^TM 2009. We hope to see your name appearing in our nominations list again next year.

Yours faithfully,

I.P  Frequently Esq.

Chairman  – Edinburgh & Lothians Miserable Bastards^TM